I see the world in black and white...

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Blog Chalk
India, Female, 22, live on tonnes of books, lots of music, much more hope, some incoherent philosophising, and swear by Ayn Rand and Pink Floyd. Very stubborn and don't want to change. Trying very hard to become an engineer. In love with life... And Newton :)

Small Talk

Life in archives
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005

Blog Truths
"Can I be as I believe myself or as others believe me to be? Here is where these lines become a confession in the presence of my unknown and unknowable me, unknown and unknowable for myself. Here is where I create the legend where I must bury myself."
--Miguel De Unamuno.

Current read

Linking Park
Paperbacks: Love And Longing In Bombay -Vikram Chandra, Eleven Minutes -Paulo Coelho (Still trying! Can't get past the S&M bit. THE BOOK SUCKS!)
E-books: Da Vinci Code -Dan Brown

Thank ye!

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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
It's Time...

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun

And you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking
And racing around to come up behind you again
The sun is the same in the relative way, but you're older
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death

Every year is getting shorter, never seem to find the time
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Home, home againI like to be here when I can
And when I come home cold and tired
It's good to warm my bones beside the fire
Far away across the field
The tolling of the iron bell
Calls the faithful to their knees
To hear the softly spoken magic spells.

-Time, Pink Floyd

Hopelessness and "quiet desperation" might be the order of the day, but I know better. I've known failure way too closely and way too many times to not learn undying optimism. To that I say Cheers! To me. :)

And yes, break it is. Call it growing up or growing real, but I suddenly hate using blogging as a vent to my frustration. And as always, I hate sounding like a cribpot! There's too much happening right now. Here's to the the hope that things will sort themselves out. And I'll not jump the gun till I have a reason!

I'll see you when I see you. And no, I'm not leaving all depressed and upset, but I don't mind some comfort food in my mailbox. Anybody listening? ;)

Edited to add: I suddenly got the feeling that I'm growing up, even though some of my problems are way too immature! But at least I'm not an escapist anymore.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Just got back from an awesome beach trip... Had a gala time, but a few other things have taken precedence. So a post about Harihareshwar-Srivardhan will have to wait.

Till then here are my pearls of wisdom. Just refuse to listen to people's secrets. Just plain REFUSE. Life is so much simpler that way. This entire semester all I've done is been a sounding board for people. And it's soooo fucking not funny!

Btw blogging suddenly doesn't interest me much. Time for a break I guess..

Monday, April 04, 2005

Friendship can end in love...
... But love in friendship, never...

... announces my roomie's rather corny wallpaper. To that I say BLEEEAAAUUUURGH!

Anyone who can comprehend my self-confessed "punter dost" Dopey will know what I mean. LOL!

And just in case I didn't mention, this feels so much nicer (read intelligent/sensible/sane) than crushing over that "brains-forever-resting-in-my-oh-so-huge-biceps-and-triceps" moron!

Just in case you're surprised at the tone of this post after an eternity of sadism-masochism (ARGH!) on my blog, it's because I had the most awesome Sunday with Noxie... Coffee, beer, Toblerone, Pink Floyd, Led Zep, and a whole lot of talking... The works! I strongly believe that it pays to have more than one set of friends, especially one that is so far-removed from the harsh reality that is my college/hostel life (Yeah I know that sounded melodramatic!) and someone who's been there done that and gotten over it.

By the way the high comes and goes, I wouldn't trust it. Neither should you. :P

Disclaimer: When I say love, I don't mean "love". Go figure! :P

Friday, April 01, 2005

1st April was spent feeling rather foolish. So what's new? *bemused grin*

As of now, this pretty much sums up my state of mind.

Wide open space
Between the trees and me
Confusion and decisions
Feelings hard to define
And I say to myself
Just a little longer.

Coldness seeps
Its way in
I am falling deeper
Into what I fear most
As I reach out
There is nothing there
As possible there was something once
Only to be gone
And I say to myself
Just a little longer.

The sun drops
The last inch of light falls
The squirrels more likely to be huddled up
But not me
Something I never possessed
And I say to myself
Just a little longer.

Then the sun has gone
Darkness spreads its wings over me
I see nothing so no one sees me
Feeling of bitterness only
And I say to myself
Just a little longer.

An Owl peers down
With question in her eyes
She doesn't have a hope
In helping me
As she doesn't see my pain
Spreads her wings
Passes me by
And I say to myself
Just a little longer.

The soft earth
Seems the only thing holding me up
Even then I could slip
And wondering takes me
To why and how I got here
Without even knowing it
Yet no one notices
As they didn't see before
So I say to myself
Just a little longer.

Shimmering in the darkness
I see two moons
Reflecting off a stream of thoughts
Ongoing forever more
Along a rocky road
Slowly giving in to finding a way out
I take the plunge under the river
Then the wind carries a whisper
Gently on a breeze
Just a little longer.

I can't say I like feeling like this. But I'm getting used to it. And hey at least the poem was kinda positive! :)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Holi was fun. Colours, eggs, screaming, water park, dancing around, mild flirtations, bhaang, vodka, amazing food... The works! And the Indian Ocean concert on Sunday night was the icing on the cake. Now that is the stuff REAL music is made of. Can't say it enough. :)

But somehow the disconnection has stayed. And my headache, bad throat, and the scorching heat aren't helping much either.

Have you ever felt the loneliness creep into every single pore of your skin? Ever found the sounds of silence deafening? Suddenly nothing makes sense anymore... I know it's just a passing phase. But it sure doesn't feel good. Like Yoss put it, it feels like everyone around is deaf only to me.

It's strange how for once I'm fervently wishing my words and actions weren't being taken so seriously. Freedom can be confused with licence, resilience with indifference, fun with frivolousness... Just one of those things that are wrong with my world. Whatever happened to the theory of "to each his own"?

Ok, got it out of my system finally! Funny how one changes over years. Two years back in a situation like this, I would have most probably given up just to "fit in". If not that, it would definitely have taken more than just one session of being honest to myself for me to get over it. Now all it takes it one cathartic session of self realisation. And that's all that matters I guess. To hell with the phases of disconnection, it is after all a phase... Life goes on. :)

Friday, March 25, 2005

Utter disconnection from the whole wide world... Just one of those uncountable things that happen to me when I study more than what my tiny little bird brain can contain! It's called the PL(prep leave) syndrome, only it's started way too early this semester! For the last three years I've been trying to figure out whether this has to do with me or with the people around me...

Oh well what the hell I'm going to miss even this next semester... Won't have much to feel disconnected from. *wry grin*

On an entirely different note, here's wishing you a faboulous and very colourful holi. Have a blast, you all! :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Life's funny ways... Just yesterday someone asked me if my short temper and frequent bouts of brutal frankness have broken or soured any relationships. I said no. And then the same evening, I went and soured things with one of the closest friends I have in college, over something/someone that's so goddamned inconsequential! It's the inconsequential bit that's bothering me the most. Because the rest can and will be taken care of.

I pride myself on my people skills. If only I also knew how to handle friends... But then it hasn't been long since I started "rebelieving" my theory that friends and friendships don't need to be handled.

Haven't felt so pathetic in ages, even though I know this too shall pass. :

Edited to add: This was one hell of a cathartic post. Just had to somehow get it out of my system. With no feedback whatsoever. Can't disable comments... So I'd really appreciate if you guys just didn't comment this time!