I see the world in black and white...

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Blog Chalk
India, Female, 22, live on tonnes of books, lots of music, much more hope, some incoherent philosophising, and swear by Ayn Rand and Pink Floyd. Very stubborn and don't want to change. Trying very hard to become an engineer. In love with life... And Newton :)

Small Talk

Life in archives
04/01/2004 - 05/01/2004
05/01/2004 - 06/01/2004
06/01/2004 - 07/01/2004
07/01/2004 - 08/01/2004
08/01/2004 - 09/01/2004
09/01/2004 - 10/01/2004
10/01/2004 - 11/01/2004
11/01/2004 - 12/01/2004
12/01/2004 - 01/01/2005
01/01/2005 - 02/01/2005
02/01/2005 - 03/01/2005
03/01/2005 - 04/01/2005
04/01/2005 - 05/01/2005

Blog Truths
"Can I be as I believe myself or as others believe me to be? Here is where these lines become a confession in the presence of my unknown and unknowable me, unknown and unknowable for myself. Here is where I create the legend where I must bury myself."
--Miguel De Unamuno.

Current read

Linking Park
Paperbacks: Love And Longing In Bombay -Vikram Chandra, Eleven Minutes -Paulo Coelho (Still trying! Can't get past the S&M bit. THE BOOK SUCKS!)
E-books: Da Vinci Code -Dan Brown

Thank ye!

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Sunday, March 27, 2005

Holi was fun. Colours, eggs, screaming, water park, dancing around, mild flirtations, bhaang, vodka, amazing food... The works! And the Indian Ocean concert on Sunday night was the icing on the cake. Now that is the stuff REAL music is made of. Can't say it enough. :)

But somehow the disconnection has stayed. And my headache, bad throat, and the scorching heat aren't helping much either.

Have you ever felt the loneliness creep into every single pore of your skin? Ever found the sounds of silence deafening? Suddenly nothing makes sense anymore... I know it's just a passing phase. But it sure doesn't feel good. Like Yoss put it, it feels like everyone around is deaf only to me.

It's strange how for once I'm fervently wishing my words and actions weren't being taken so seriously. Freedom can be confused with licence, resilience with indifference, fun with frivolousness... Just one of those things that are wrong with my world. Whatever happened to the theory of "to each his own"?

Ok, got it out of my system finally! Funny how one changes over years. Two years back in a situation like this, I would have most probably given up just to "fit in". If not that, it would definitely have taken more than just one session of being honest to myself for me to get over it. Now all it takes it one cathartic session of self realisation. And that's all that matters I guess. To hell with the phases of disconnection, it is after all a phase... Life goes on. :)

Friday, March 25, 2005

Utter disconnection from the whole wide world... Just one of those uncountable things that happen to me when I study more than what my tiny little bird brain can contain! It's called the PL(prep leave) syndrome, only it's started way too early this semester! For the last three years I've been trying to figure out whether this has to do with me or with the people around me...

Oh well what the hell I'm going to miss even this next semester... Won't have much to feel disconnected from. *wry grin*

On an entirely different note, here's wishing you a faboulous and very colourful holi. Have a blast, you all! :)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Life's funny ways... Just yesterday someone asked me if my short temper and frequent bouts of brutal frankness have broken or soured any relationships. I said no. And then the same evening, I went and soured things with one of the closest friends I have in college, over something/someone that's so goddamned inconsequential! It's the inconsequential bit that's bothering me the most. Because the rest can and will be taken care of.

I pride myself on my people skills. If only I also knew how to handle friends... But then it hasn't been long since I started "rebelieving" my theory that friends and friendships don't need to be handled.

Haven't felt so pathetic in ages, even though I know this too shall pass. :

Edited to add: This was one hell of a cathartic post. Just had to somehow get it out of my system. With no feedback whatsoever. Can't disable comments... So I'd really appreciate if you guys just didn't comment this time!

Monday, March 14, 2005
Peaceful Easy Feeling

Yeah. Finally. :)

What a weekend it's been! Got the much needed break from the monotony that is my life. After almost two weeks of banging my head against walls, library tables, NC steps, and headphones with IM blaring at full blast, I finally DID something this weekend.

Picture this...
... Strawberry flavoured hukka
... Birthday treats (biryani, no less, mind you!)
... FAST bike rides
... Midnight show of Million Dollar Baby. A must watch, that btw.
... Bonding session with this recent "serious crush" (Grin grin! Don't blame me. Statistics say that a woman can have 1 boyfriend and 86 crushes at any given time!)
.. Total TP the form of "Style Leg Shakes" and "Boogie Woogie Handshakes" on the middle of the road
... Ghar ka khana
... Completely LAZY Sunday NOT spent in the hostel
... Planning an all girls daru and porn bash that'll most probably never happen
... Bed tea!
... Not having to spend a penny on commuting... Always pays to have rich friends with cars! ;)
... Chicken sandwiches and chocolate pastry for dinner!
... Early to bed on Sunday night, with Do naina ek kahani and With Or Without You playing in the background...

Bliss! :)

Oh and the noon show of Socha Na Tha on Monday was worth every penny of the 30 bucks I spent for it! Classic timepass I tell you! One of the best bad movies ever!

Been thinking about a few things too... I really don't see anything wrong with trying things out once in a while. And when I do it, I do it without guilt. And if there's something I feel really strongly about, I wouldn't do it at all. Sex (ok stop sniggering, am talking about the pre-marital variety! :D), drugs and dope included. I see no reason why people allow others' perspectives to decide whether their actions are justified or not. This kind of inner conflict is not just bad for their emotional stability, it's way too irritating for people around too. Validation of your actions is important only as long you let it be. That says a lot I guess.

Now I'm blabbering away to glory. The bliss is ephemeral. I'd better make the most out of it while it lasts. It won't be long before mid-week blues set in, followed by weekend blues. On that really positive note, have a great week you all! :D

Friday, March 11, 2005

Why can't happiness be unadulterated?

Why can't you feel happy for people without your own unertainties, insecurities, and self pity at large making their presence felt?

Why's life so full of ironies?

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

"Everyone of them words rang true
And glowed like a burning coal
Pouring off of every page
Like it was written in my soul... from me to you
Tangled up in blue"


I'm still on the road.... headin' for another joint
We always did feel the same
We just saw it from a diffrent point of view
Tangled up in Blue"





Need to get a few death metal cds from somewhere... Till then, Iron Maiden, here I come...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

As I sit here staring away at what seems to me like everything that there is to see in the world...

As I let the breeze touch every pore of my skin...

As I feel the wind on my face...

As I let the silence envelope me...

As I face my greatest fear- loneliness...

As I let the chill and thrill of darkness take my senses completely in control...

As I am in the throes of all the memories of yesterday and the fears of tomorrow...



... I realise I've never been more free... Or more tied down...

... I realise I have never been more at peace myself... Or more in conflict...

... I want to break away...

... I want to give up...

... I want to let go...

... And then again, I want to fight...

... I realise I have never been more vulnerable... Or more in control...

... I realise I've never been more alive...



... And I wonder how far is my fall...

(No, I don't expect to make sense... Or even sound half like myself. This is just a sample of my 3 am rooftop emotions... Alone. Free. Alive.)